Shriek Elegance

I wanna learn German. I’m starting to think I have a language problem. Like… I honestly want to see how many languages I can learn decently. But I still want to major in English. My languages are kind of more like a hobby. I love that I’ll be listening to a French or Japanese song and be able to pick up a couple words or entire sentences or blocks of lyrics (in the case of French). I dunno, it’s neat. And it makes me feel smart. And I feel like I’m good for something. And I like feeling like I’m good for something.

I’ve randomly been overcome with immense feelings of sadness because I miss my brother. Wtf? I miss him being around. I miss him picking on me. I miss picking on him. Sometimes I forget I have two brothers. I mean, not when someone asks me how many brothers I have, I instinctively say two. But like… when I think of my immediate family in my head, there are only for of us in my head. And then a second later I’ll realize that Shane is my immediate family, too, and my brain will kind of just plunk him down with the rest of us in my head. But it’s not the same ’cause he wasn’t there from the beginning. I dunno, I’m a freak.

I started and finished my Heart of Darkness paper today. It’s about as complete as it’s going to get right now. I’ll have another look at it in a day or two and see if I made any mistakes or if I wanna add anything. This gives me about two weeks to do my Children’s Lit paper. When that paper’s done, it’s going to feel like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders. Hell, having this paper finished has already made me feel a little better. After the papers are over and done with, that will just leave studying. And my Japanese project, but I’m not too worried about that ’cause I’m gonna be partners with Cam (assuming we get to choose partners?) and we’re super awesome. If anything, it’ll be fun to work on. Speaking of Japanese projects, on the last day of classes when we “present”, MBSS’s gr. 11 Japanese class (I think it’s grade 11) is coming to the school to look at our projects. Aw. =) Too bad it isn’t Smitty. Ah well.

So far for the past week, I’ve been true to my exercise schedule and mostly true to my “let’s eat better and less” plan. There was one time yesterday where I had to buy a donut because I was so incredibly tired that if I didn’t get some sugar, I was going to fall asleep in English. Other than that, though, I’ve been good. =)

I still have an obsession with Tokio Hotel. Bill and Tom are just so… goshdarn pretty. And the music makes me feel happy. Well except some of it makes me feel sad.

Speaking of linked Tokio Hotel, I’m gonna try linking more things in my blogs. Blogs are more fun when you can click on things. :D

Baby, I’m hooked.

On this particular morning, I’m feeling rather amazing. I’m not quite sure why, but I like it. I want to feel like this every minute of every day. I’m sure I’ll lose my happy feelings later. But until then, I am in a blissful state.

[9:20pm]

Oh dear god. I have about 17 pages left in Heart of Darkness. I want to stab my eyes out. Literally, I feel like I’m going crosseyed. The text is so tiny and they jam so much of it onto one page. And it’s dreadfully… colorful. He spent a page and a half describing something. And he does this over and over and over. Just tell your goddamn story already, for fuck’s sake.

Alright, my eyes feel a little better after this nice break so I suppose I should go back to reading it. I just wish this book wasn’t so MASSIVE so it was easier to read. I can’t hold it up ’cause it’s so heavy and I can’t rest it on tummy ’cause it’s so heavy. THIS IS FRUSTRATING.

[11:34pm]

I only realize how depressed I really am when I actually think about it. =| I guess I’ll just have to stop thinking… and listening to “Monsoon” ’cause it’s making me feel really sad. But it’s just so gosh darn pretty.

I’m so fucking sick of feeling so emo lately. And I fucking hate that it’s all his fucking fault. My fault, too. Our fault. I’m sick of it and I want to not worry about it anymore, so badly, but I can’t.

I’m just going to try to stop thinking about it. It’s too ridiculous and I can’t do anymore than I am.

Until then, I have Sarah McLachlan to fix my brain. Or appease it. Or something.

Fuuuuuuuck.

I don’t even know what I’m saying half the time anymore.

Life is fucking stupid.

I want to go for a walk. It’s nice and cool outside. And quiet.

I need my vacation now.

I love my mommy. She left me an Easter basket hidden upstairs before she left and called this morning to tell me to look for a basket around one of the TVs. :)

She also won the Easter basket from Dr. Wageman’s office. We got an Oral B Sonicare toothbrush with a bunch of chocolate? :B

My family comes home today.

People come over today for mass Brawlage.

I gotta go to work nows.

And it’s fucking snowing.

Happy birthday, Stephanie. :)

Last night was pretty rad. Originally, the plan was to stage a kidnapping of Jason and Josh, but that plan was ditched after some more consideration. We didn’t expect Jason to do much, we figured he’d just scream like a girl and flail a bit. Unfortunately, Josh is more violent and we figured he might cause some serious damage, despite the large guys we’d get to throw these sacks over them. So instead, there were two guys (Jamie and… I don’t know the other guy’s name) who paintballed them while they were walking out to Becky’s car, while Tyler set off a firework at the other end. Jason was smart and hid behind Becky’s car. Josh, on the other hand, ran out further into the open. Casualties: Jason got pegged in the leg, Josh got pegged in the mouth XDD Owwwwww. Poor guy started bleeding. I think he got hit in the finger too. Unlucky.

Anyway, after that, we were GOING to go to Kelly O’s, but the only place they could fit us in was upstairs in the pub, but you have to be of age to get up there, so that didn’t work (Josh, Hayley, Daisy and I think a couple of other people are under 19 still; plus Danny didn’t have any ID on him ’cause he left his passport at home). So we went to Boston Pizza instead. We ate, we talked, we were merry, we went home around 11:30ish because we were tired. Cam and Danny stayed the night. Woowooooo.

I had no clue what was happening on my Econ test today. It was tres homosexual. By the time I got to the end, my mindset was literally, “I haven’t circled any D’s in a while. Let’s circle a D for the next question.”

My cough is still atrocious and just getting worse. I wheeze and wheeze and usually can’t stay composed. If it’s bad enough I’ll keel over or my knees will buckle. My entire torso is sore. Even the muscles in my upper arms hurt ’cause when I cough I’m literally contracting all of my muscles until they cramp. The muscles in my neck sear with pain even when I touch them with my hands. My leg muscles really hurt, too. I don’t know if it’s from coughing, but I’m fairly sure it has something to do with being sick- it’s that kind of pain you get in your legs when you’ve been sitting for an incredibly long amount of time without standing up (like hours and hours and hours at a time). But when I stand up, my legs feel a little wobbly and I just want to sit down again. This is so ridiculous.

I don’t think I’ll do anything important today. I’m too burned out and ick. I’ll probably just do my Japanese lab and play Ocarina of Time. I dunno what to do for dinner. I should take the compost out before it gets maggots. I have to do laundry today, too. I should also clean out the fridge, as I’m sure some of the veggies are starting to go bad simply because I am only one person and I cannot eat them fast enough.

Foosh.

[8:24pm]

I just had one of those pleasant experiences where I coughed until I puked. And now my body is so tired it shakes. And I hurt. Everywhere.

I hate this.

Pegasi.

I want a Sidekick. :( Stupid Canada.

I called in sick today. I’m not feeling so great.

I don’t know if I mentioned whether or not I got SSBBrawl. But I did. :B

I bought new milk today.

Ums I was going to say something else but I totally forgot.

Shay and I are probably going to Calgs right after exams. :)

I’m watching Batman Forever. XDDDD

I’m not sure what I want to make for dinner.

I should really be studying right now. Unfortunately I am a little depressed (for reasons actually having nothing to do with yesterday actually).

LOL I just saw the most hilarious Shaw high speed internet commercial involving rats. Oh man. <3

I dunno I’ll update later.

I woke up and my milk was sour. For some reason this feels like the beginning of a bad day.

[9:47pm]

I hate this.

[12:31am]

Sometimes I wish I was gay so I could date Shay and live happily ever after.

I loff you, Cheeseloaf. <3

My God.

I feel… so ill.

This is unbelievable.

Dishes. Petty, petty dishes.

Every night (that is, every night when I am home for dinner), as is often known to occur in households, there are dirty dishes that need cleaning/dishwasher placing. Lee, for obvious reasons, does not put his own dishes away. That’s just silly. Mom is not in the equation because she does 98% of the cleaning up and stuff, on top of the cooking and whatnot. That leaves Dad and I.  Dad often finishes before I do. Before leaving the kitchen, he gathers up his dishes and places them on the counter above the dishwasher. Being the last one, I take my dishes to the dishwasher, put them away, then put away Lee’s, Mom’s, and Dad’s (or whatever happens to be sitting above the dishwasher). This happens pretty much every day. Today, Mom had to run downstairs to cut Lee’s hair quickly (long story), so she left the usual mess on the table. As she left, Dad yelled “Dawn will do the dishes.” So I said, fully justified, really, “Why don’t you do them?” to which he replied, “Because you never do them.” It’s not the fact that the dishes aren’t getting put away. I couldn’t care less about the dishes. It’s the fact that, yet again he is accusing me of doing something (or, rather, not doing anything). He is once again saying that I’m not doing enough when he is doing equally as little, if not less. I asked him what he was doing instead that was so important and he said, “I have to get my hair cut.” Okay. That’s true. But she can’t quite cut his and Lee’s hair simultaneously. So obviously, there goes his excuse for not doing it. I reminded him, quite sternly, that I always do it, every damn day that I am home. And every damn day, I see him leave his shit there and walk away. And I’m sorry, but I am fucking tired of being accused for something I shouldn’t be accused for. It’s frustrating. And after being accused for everything and anything for so long, I can’t stand it anymore. Mom even yelled, from DOWNSTAIRS, that I was right and she agreed with me. But he just kept going like she didn’t say anything. Because no matter what anyone else says, he’s always right. In this house he is God, and we are his slaves to accept whatever he says as fact, no matter how much evidence is stacked up against him. If we don’t like it, too bad, you get yelled at and degraded. No matter how much Mom and I try to stick up for each other, it just doesn’t make any fucking difference. And the worst part about it is that he doesn’t comprehend what he’s doing. He believes that he is fully justified in what he is doing. He truly believes that he isn’t doing anything wrong.

I honestly can’t believe that someone can be so ignorant. It honestly blows my mind that he could be so stupid. I don’t know of anyone who could be so belligerent as to do this to his family.

Fuck this.